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Chuck Norris jokes

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Chuck Norris can talk in braille.
Now I leave my IPS patches of my hacks for everyone play and edit as you want to.

Bramble Invasion & Surreliatus


Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.

Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up Jack Bauer and MacGyver.

MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.


-When Jesus was born, Chuck gave him the gift of beard. The other wisemen were so jealous that they had him written out of the Bible. Chuck proceeded to roundhouse kick them all.
-Chuck Norris does not illegally download files. He perfectly recreates them.
-Chuck Norris destroyed the moon when he found out he was not the first man on the moon. He built a new one out of the bones of his former enemies.
Frosted Flakes wanted Chuck Norris as their mascot because Tony the Tiger wasn't great enough.
Your layout has been removed.
July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.

Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.

In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"

Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

Captain Falcon IS Chuck Norris.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.



I got 1 million of these jokes, but chuck norris has 999999999999999 of these jokes.
Chuck Norris says "rawr" which causes the Epic earthquake in china.
Chuck Norris is so tough Godzilla was afraid of him.Thats why its never gone out of the water, same with Nessie! O_o

Chuck runs to a bar and takes a sip of beer..and well its gone down hill since....(RAMBO!!!!)

God has created Chuck Norris as another god to save the Earth.
A meteor came crashing to earth and then chuck jumped in and pushed it back.

I tried.....
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didnt kill you in your sleep.

Some people like to eat frogs legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.


I found lots more.
Chuck Norris jokes are stupid. Chuck Norris is st-(shot)
Good fucking bye.
My turn...

10 ones i found funny


1: Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

2: Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

3: Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

4: Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

5: Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

6: When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

7: Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

8: Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

9: In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Rofl 10: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.


All your base are belong to us
Chuck Norris eats rocks and shits lightning bolts.

One time, while Chuck Norris was hunting down hippies for firewood, a wild boar came across his path. BIG MISTAKE! Chuck lifted the boar into the air with his mind, spun it around and digested it telekinetically, AND CHUCK WASN'T EVEN HUNGRY!

If you dont know who Chuck Norris is, he is the champion in:

-Tae Kwon Do
-Jiujitsu
-Kickboxing
-Karate
-Sumo Wrestling
-Tae Bo
-Pad Thai
-Street Fighter II

AND...the oldest certificate of participation in the National Spelling Bee!!!!

Chuck Norris has no weakness. He IS the ultimate fighting machine.

One time, a big shot movie producer approached Chuck Norris about a screenplay, starring him VS. King Kong, Dracula, Satan, Charles Bronson, and that Russian boxer from Rocky IV. The movie was never made though, because studios felt it was too farfetched, since NOBODY stands a chance against Chuck Norris.

Speaking of the film, here is a transcript of the conversation the producer had with Chuck regarding his asking cost for the film:



Originally posted by Chuck Norris
"100 Billion Dollars."

Originally posted by Movie Producer
"How about 25 Million?"


Chuck then proceeded to put his thumbs through the producer's eyes.

Not much is known about Chuck Norris' childhood. Chuck Norris has no mother, for crawling out of a vagina is not befitting for a man of his stature.

Chuck spontaneously came into existence on Karl Marx's birthday, which is no coincidence, as Chuck Norris is the polar opposite of communism! He is the Yang to Communism's Yin! The VERY THOUGHT of a political theory that suggests that people have their own means of production in a classless society makes Chuck Norris want to PUKE.

Chuck Norris has fought in every major war, including:

-The Korean War
-World War I
-The American Civil War
-The Peloponnesian War
-The Iran/Iraq War ON BOTH SIDES SIMULTANEOUSLY!
-The War of the Worlds

AND the war on drugs.

The only war Chuck Norris has NOT fought in is the Macedonian War, because Chuck Norris doesn't give a shit about Macedonia!

Chuck Norris wins wars by attrition.

Here is a list of Chuck Norris' favorite foods: -Whiskey.

Sometimes, when Chuck Norris gets tired of Whiskey, he'll eat some Bread, Cheese, some tomato paste, and a handful of basil (Which sounds like a Pizza, but it's not, because Chuck Norris does not want to give the Italians the credit).

Every now and then, Chuck Norris will sit down an eat an entire plate of Sausage and Onions, for no reason.

I once walked along a jagged, windy pathway to Chuck Norris' house, which was a giant, floating volcano, with American bald eagles flying around it, and a long, wide staircase leading to the top. I walked up the staircase for what seemed like days. When I finally reached the top, I saw Chuck Norris sitting on his throne. I DARED NOT look him in the eyes, because one time, this guy looked him in the eyes, and Chuck Norris spontaneously combusted him! No one is allowed to speak with Chuck. The only thing anyone is allowed to do in his presence is bow, kiss his ring, bow again, and leave. I walked up to his throne, and saw that he had a ring made of solid diamonds, and an engraving of a unicorn that had an erection on it. I wanted to thank him, so I said "Sir, thank you for allowing me the privelege of kissing your ring". If Chuck Norris doesn't immediately kill you, he has granted you permission. I thanked him, bowed, and left. It was the happiest day of my life!

I once had a friend that claimed he had went to Chuck Norris' house, and hung out with him. I did not believe him, so I asked for proof. He said that Chuck owns the complete Back To The Future trilogy on laserdisc. I was so jealous that I called him a liar, but deep inside, I knew he was telling the truth.



"A DAY IN THE LIFE OF CHUCK NORRIS"

The word "Day" is misleading when talking about the life of Chuck Norris, because a day in his life is less like the 24 hour time period most people associate with the world "Day", and more like an eon God describes as a "Day"

During the Creation Of The Universe, Chuck Norris started his day like any normal Red Blooded man; With a giant Boner.

After rubbing one out, Chuck flosses his teeth with steel wool, eats a bowl of dynamite, takes a two-flush megashit, and wipes his ass with intercepted letters to Santa Claus! After Breakfast, Chuck brings in his mail, and uses the Spear Of Destiny as an envelope opener.

Chuck Norris NOT only stays up to date with current events, but future events as well, so that he can ruin the ending to the new Harry Potter books before they are even written!

Chuck Norris wrote a newspiece about some guy who was given the death penalty for treason. Treason is ESPECIALLY OFFENSIVE to Chuck because he embodies EVERYTHING THAT IS, WAS, AND EVER WILL BE...AMERICA! Chuck loves America SO MUCH, when he gets interrupted during sex, he gets RED, WHITE, AND BLUE BALLS!

So when Chuck read about this traitor, he killed himself, went to hell, and ripped the traitor's face off, and uses it as a loincloth TO THIS DAY! Chuck then resurrects himself, went to lunch, and paid for his food USING EXACT CHANGE!!!

In the evenings, Chuck likes to sit in the dark, and secretly pray that his enemies get cancer.

Thus concludes A day in the life of the greatest American ever to live!!!!



THE END.





P.S: Sagittaire owned this thre...KICKED by Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick with ASM.
- Chuck Norris does not need a computer. His brainwaves can manipulate computers to do his bidding.
- Chuck Norris accidentally a cola bottle. The cola bottle was promptly roundhoused afterwards.
- Chuck Norris can kill an army with a toothpick...

...between his teeth...

...while his teeth are on the hands of the enemy.
- If Chuck Norris burps, it's called an earthquake.
Vah'Neela's Mansion coming soon.
Chuck Norris don't read books. He stares at them, till they say him what he wants to know.
Chuck norris can roundhousekick you through the telephone.
Walker: Texas Ranger??? Never Seen. *gets roundhousekicked*

Lol.



Chuck Norris can use savestates... ON AN SNES!!!

Chuck Norris went on a vacation to the Virgin Islands. When He came back, it was just the Islands.
Now with extra girl and extra hacker


Facts about Chuck Norris



Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.


There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.



In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.


The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.


Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.


The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.


Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.


Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."


Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.


Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.


Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.


The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris's nutsack.


When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.


Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all the king's men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsoy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.


When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.



Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.


Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"


Chuck Norris' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord


Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.


Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times


China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.


Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about


If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.


Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.


When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.


Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.


Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty


Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.


Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.


Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.


Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.


If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down


Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris


Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.


Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.


Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.


A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.


Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.


There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.


Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.


Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds


When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"


Chuck Norris' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk.


Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.


Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.


Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.


Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.


Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.


If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.


When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.


Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.


Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.


God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.


When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.


Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.


A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.


Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.


Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.


Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.


If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.


Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.


Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.


If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.


Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.


Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.


Chuck Norris invented water.


Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.


Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”


One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.


Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.


Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Balloon Party.
At times like this, you need to step back and say, "Where's the Balloon Party?"
Well, I know a bunch of funny jokes about Chuck.

In a restaurent, Chuck Norris orders chicken. The chicken obeys.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice. But what people tend to forget is that he always begins from negative infinity and that he leaves no decimals forgotten.

Chuck Norris has what he wants to eat before he knows it himself. Chuck: Hmm... What could I e-- Oh yes. FCK. (That's fried chicken kentucky and not Fuck, by the way)

There is in average 1276 things with which Chuck Norris can kill you in a room. Including that room itself.

More awesomeness:

Chuck Norris can play with two guitar hero guitars at the same time. That is, Through the fire and flames on expert FC (with one second difference between both, obviously) While dancing 100% on expert 99 red baloons (DDR) two times (each foots, double notes don't matter, his foots are so fast anyway) and playing ninja gaiden with his tongue and I want to be the guy on impossible with his ****. While pulling off all this, he obviously is looking at the pretty girl in Bikini on the beach while taking his shower.
Our world will stop advancing once humans manage to create sufficient magnificence for a whole lifetime. Until then, I just create.
Awesome video game music on my youtube channel
Well done Kyurel for bumping a one-month old thread.

Here's my Chuck Norris joke:
Chuck Norris is so awesome he can ban people on SMWC without having to be a moderator.

Also, Tama Yoshi, be sure not to post in threads if you realise they've been bumped or are quite old, just don't do it again :(
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